The Valley of Expectations | VICE

I have warned you all many times of the dangers of opening your existence to Warren Ellis (my favorite author, BTW). Remember, some things are neither meant to be seen nor read.

While I have no real agreement with Mr. Ellis' world view; he has always been a stimulus for my pondering and a respected source of thought, contemplation and dare I say it, entertainment.

The Valley of Expectations | VICE

A catching up; of sorts:

Letter read last night at my Support Group by Chris.

Hello everyone,

Since the last time we met a lot has happened in the world. The earth has moved, water has rose, volcanoes have blown and the Queen (God love her) jumped out of a helicopter!

I will be honest with you all; I have not been feeling well for a few months now. I have been blacking out and I have fallen a few times. I have had several neck thingy bobs, which is technical jargon for Carotid Duplex Ultrasound and MRi. See, neck thingy bob is much more understandable. Blood work up the kazoo and I am in the process of meeting and breaking in several new to me Doctors and helping put their children through college or paying off their mortgages. I am sure they will get use to me soon but I always have fun with health care professionals.

They are always so nice and that’s OK, but after a few minutes going over my medical history they tend to become rather attentive. They quickly realize that the same- o same- o did not just walk in. I tend to have the upper hand in all areas except billing. No one wins that battle.

The long and short of it as of this evening is I don’t know. Tests are still being done and evaluations are still being drawn. May be next month I will have some real news to pass along. Until then, I will continue to uphold my part in the doctor/patient process. (And have a little fun with these guys.

My mom is still with us. It is a slow and rather agonizing process. My prayer every night is that I may outlive her. She is still a blessing to those she is around and I know that inside, she is at peace.

I am not sure about all of you, but I am rather tired of this heat. As we move into September I know the hard part is behind us for another year but this dry heat crap is getting old. I tell friends to turn their oven to 106 and stick their head in that. IT’S A DRY HEAT!

Other than that crap, life is very good and I have so much to be thankful for. Why just last week my daughter in law texted that she wasn’t sure how it happened but I was going to be a grand-father yet again. For those counting; this will be number EIGHT. Damn I’m old!

Issue number 12 of the Justice League with a cover price of $3.99 is selling on e-bay for $25.00. Ha, I got mine. For details, consult Chris!!

I continue to LIVE my friends; I truly hope you don’t mind. I love you all and I wish and pray for you all - happiness and good health.

Be strong for each other because both Cancer really sucks.

yet more awesome spaces

 

I just love http://awesomespaces.tumblr.com/ . I hope you find the time to get lost there. I do almost daily. Here is yet just one more reason why.

To the unknown taker and owner of this image….thank you.

Why would I need 4 layers of coats?

 

Delivered last night and read to group by Jan.

Hello Everyone,

As always, it is just wonderful to be here with all of you.

I have finished moving and must let you all know that I love my new place. it is much newer, much smaller and a whole lot better for me. The views from here can be extraordinary at times and when the weather is in form; it is downright weather channel picture post card beautiful.

I wish to thank everyone who have shared with me their feelings, thoughts and observations on the web site. I am also thankful for the kind words passed my way regarding the results of my efforts on maintaining it. It is a pleasure and I am more than happy to do it. I run into a bump here and a dip there but I hope it is getting better. Hopefully with the coming of the new year, I will be putting yet more time and effort into it.

On a personal note, I must be honest with everyone. I continue to have pain in the evenings. Sleep is hard to obtain and maintaining it is a joke. I am up MOST, not every, night and it is becoming an irritant. I hurt, but this is in addition too the cancer pain I deal with. I hurt from my toes to my head. It is similar to the extreme joint pain one gets with a bad case of the flu; but it's not the flu. I think it is the price one pays for not being 19 years old. I long for a world where Ponce de Leon had found that darn fountain. Oh well, I 'endeavor to persevere.'

Other than some pain, I am so blessed and better that others in this world.

Now for the good personal news. I will not be with you all next month at the meeting. I will be across the river from Minneapolis/St. Paul in the little town of Hudson Wisconsin. For the first time since 2003 I am going out of town somewhere that isn't a Hospital. Now, not being the brightest color in the crayon box, I am going in February. It just worked out and I will be with my oldest daughter and 4 grand kids there. The youngest, my grand son, I have yet to meet. To say I am excited is an understatement. I will be flying up on February 3rd, spending my birthday with them and come back home on the 8th.

I ask that you all say a prayer for me at this time. The boys are going to check in on mom. It's only for six days, but in my life; that's a long time to be away from her.

Well, that's pretty much the only gossip I have to share with everyone and I just hope you had a really Happy Holidays.

Enjoy each other, make every effort in the world to be kind and stay safe.

Be strong , because cancer sucks.

Have a wonderful and blessed 2012.

 

Time continues to just rumble on. Things I took as rock solid and ever lasting in my youth have passed to dust in the rear view mirror of today. There was a time when I did not take to heart things which would be so profound to me as I aged.I shall never believe that I will ever have possessed the wisdom of Solomon; I just hope to learn a thing or two as I pass by.

For all my possessions I an certain I own nothing. I try to balance all things in my life now as nothing is so important as ones health. I wish I could plead ignorance but I can not. I am what I have done to myself. Learn from me and this year, please be good to yourself. You will not live forever, but you can live a while longer.

 

 

In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly.

                                                                   Job 1:22

So my grandchildren know

what Christmas is really about. The littlest of giving is so much more that the grandest of receiving. We must look out for each other.

An the survey says......

Image via WikipediaI need to catch everyone up with regards to my medical status as of this week. Besides moving, I also had my follow up Pet Scan to my latest round of radiation to my lung. If you have known me for a while or followed my blogs you know what a tenuous time the waiting is. This time was no different but at least I had the moving as a distraction.

The call came first thing last Wednesday morning. My long time Oncology nurse and friend was on the other end and was just busting a smile I could see over the airwaves. The news was good. The treatment showed no uptake and no severe scarring issues. Also, there was no uptake in the throat which my ENT doctor was concerned with. This is real good news and I am very excited to be in good condition currently.

I have been here before. The initial follow up Pet Scan has historically been clean only to come back at the year point. I am staying guardedly positive and not thinking about the cancer so much but in the back of my mind I have to wait until the second scan which will be in about 6 months to finally feel secure in what my condition really is. Such is life.

To be honest, I get tired very easy and still have the pain catch up with me in the evening but at least for now; there is no ‘blackness’ inside me eating away at what is left.
I am alive and I give thanks every day. If you are of like persuasion, I ask that you continue to pray for my health or at least have good thoughts. Know that I have all of you in my prayers as well.

Still living out of some boxes but I at least see the light at the end of the tunnel. In the words of Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce, ‘I shall no more move, forever.’ – Well, sort-a something like that as I have no desire to ever move again. I just hope that is the case. It is very pretty up here and it is amazing how just a little altitude into the foothills make that morning cup of coffee on my patio taste like none other. There is a wonderful chill in the morning breeze and I just watch the clouds hug the mountains. I am happier here than in my previous home though it is much, much smaller. Ah, I needed to get rid of most of that junk anyway. I was a notorious hoarder of anything and everything I have every owned. It was hard, but so much has been either lovingly placed in the capable care of the ‘dump captain’ or passed along to several charities here in town. It was hard, but I have let go of so much.

OK, I wanted to let my friend and acquaintances that follow me here that all is well and we just need to wait for another 6 month scan. Some pictures of the new ‘hovel’ coming soon; I promise.

Not done yet

Have not finished moving to new location yet (should finish over the weekend), but I was able to finally spend the night here. Somewhat exciting and coffee this morning on my patio sure taste good. I will post some pictures soon, right now there are a lot of boxes and just stuff. Direct TV gets hooked up this afternoon. More to come soon.

Some mornings start off sort of hard then turn to gold.

 

Honestly, I woke up this morning with a ton of stuff I needed to do, a few thoughts about my problems and a real desire to get that first cup of coffee down. I did offer my thanks to God for giving me this day, but I was not as happy or upbeat as I normally try to be.

As I inserted breakfast and listened to the news, it just seems that the world is on some sort of collision course with stupidly on a cosmic scale. Nothing seems right. The violence, the horrible condition people live in, the inability to feel good about being alive was pressing down hard this morning.

I finally made the effort to start up the lap top and take a look at the usual stops I make on the www thingy. I was about to give up and just try and make it into my day with as good a spirit as I could muster.

Then I came across this video. All of a sudden it was OK. Life was still good. The world in it’s own special way was a wonderful place. There was a reason to shed a tear in joy and not just cry of sadness.

Please, no thoughts of the ‘tiger mom’ syndrome. I choose to believe this is God given talent to an individual as one of those reminders that people are special and that we matter. I hope you enjoy this and it gives you pause to accept what is still of worth in this world.

 

 

Do I really need to comb my hair if today I ware a hat?

 

E-mail sent to my support group this afternoon.

Once a man has seen, he can no longer turn his back on it. Never pretend it doesn't exist. No matter who orders him to look the other way.

We do not do this thing because it is permitted. We do it because we are compelled.

-Rorschach from Watchmen/ Alan Moore

Hello everyone,

It has been a while and I have been remiss in my sharing with you for some time as to my place in this world. I shall endeavor to make amends for this is my usually and only realistic way; by the written English language. If you are so inclined to read father, I trust you will be more the enlightened as to my current state. If you choose to end your reading at this point I bid you farewell and my best to you.

If you have known me for any length of time and have been so kind to have read any of my previous communications with the members of this group, you probably know that some sort of historical perspective will be offered as my device of choice to enable us all to consider this moment in life to reflect and learn and question and endure. You shall not be incorrect in that assumption this time as well.

However, firstly; let me express my continued love and respect for each and every one of you. I continue to offer no apologies for my endearments to each of you. All of you offer me strength, encouragements and heartfelt embraces of endearment. Never has such a group existed (in my humble opinion) and I again proclaim my pride of membership in this 'embracement' of support. Thank you.

Some of you may be aware of Maximilian Kolbe (1894-1941), others of you may not be. Either way, please indulge me this small retelling of his story in order to ponder what we have seen and what we are compelled to do. Maximilian Kolbe was a Polish priest who provided shelter for thousands of Jews in his friary. He was arrested and imprisoned by the Gestapo in Auschwitz. When a fellow prisoner escaped, ten other prisoners were to be killed in reprisal. Lined up and helpless to anything but their impending fate, one of the doomed began to cry out, "My wife! My children! I will never see them again!" At this, Maximilian stepped forward and asked to die in that persons place. His request was granted and it is attested that he lead the fellow men in song and prayer as they awaited their deaths. That is where this wonderful mans life ended and is somewhat a known moment in history especially amongst various Christian religious institutions.

Some back-story if you would allow.

Maximilian had also lived in Japan and had founded a monastery on the outskirts of Nagasaki. Four years after his martyrdom, on August 9, 1945, the atomic bomb was dropped on Nagasaki, but that monastery miraculously survived.

We as a support group are in need to ask ourselves some questions. It is apparent that we need to take our place in line. No my dear friends, our nor my quandaries are anywhere near as dire as Maximilian Kolbe faced. And I thank Divine Providence and the United States military for that. That being said, it is now time that we all search our inner self and ask is there something I can step up and be of service to this assemblage of austere fellows. (?) I can not answer the phone nor make the call. I can no longer stand before any assemblage and preach our cause. But, I can use the written word, I can stand, I can be accounted when it comes time to be strong. I every day offer up prayers for not only individuals in this group, I also offer prayers for our collective blessings as a party of like caused. I give you all as much support as I can and I will answer any desire that may be tendered my way. I can write e-mail. I venture to ask, would we be serviced by a newsletter. If I can, I will.

I really do not want to see this group simply pass in the night. It is so very important to me and I still have need of it. I have once again become subject to the black plague. It has once again returned to my lung, presently about the size of my thumb nail.

I may be the oddity but I always seem to sense the comings, goings and attachments of Cancer within my blood stream. I seem to never be caught unawares by PET Scan results. I always seem to know, I always seem to feel its ugly presence within me.

This past week, I have had to yet again ask questions and obtain answers. I have had council of old and trusted friend, I have meet new surgeons and new systems of medical care taking. I have discovered yet new insurance codes to be used and denied and fought over and to be a source of, well, just another part of my life. I am never at a loss for finding a way to challenge the medical community.

Tomorrow, I go to start the process for my 5th attempt at having a radiation attack upon my health's enemy. It's funny when you have surgeons review your medical history and expound amazement. Yes, he obtained his co-payment from the Stephen R. Parker Medical Relief Act. (Pun intended) Many is the doctor that has been replenished by my condition.

So, like Maximilian, we and I need to ask questions. Amongst them, what line are we willing to stand in?

Amongst so many, I miss each of our departed fellow members; I cry, I remember and I look forward to a time when this group will no longer be needed. It just isn't that time yet. I still need to know you are there. Please don't give up.

Be strong everyone, Cancer Sucks.

Before

 

there was Indiana Jones; before there was Brown. Before there was Holy Blood Holy Grail……there was the Ladies Home Journal. With cover by N. C. Wyeth. This is from 1924.

To my Granddaughters; do not for one second think you can not. Do not never dare not to dream. You are just as valid as anyone. Make your way through life. Climb your mountains, sail your seas. Whether they are high or deep or low and shallow isn’t important. Be strong, be yourself. Dolls are fine if that’s your choice, but not less valid than ancient Mayan secrets. Do not be afraid to wear a dress but be comfortable in dirty jeans. Look beautiful on your ‘red carpets’; be at peace in your own skin.  Be    Do    

 

 

 

 

 

Not just today,

but everyday, I miss my dad. Every single thing that I am is because of him. I miss him and I love him and I wish I had but one more moment to give him a hug and to simply let him share a smile with me. He has been gone for so long but he is always close. He is silent now but says so much. He was there for me and sometimes I didn't even know it. There is nothing Gold can buy, nothing that can be gained beyond the love of a father like mine. I am in all ways most humble by his comfort over the years. He was my Dad. Please hear me when I say; I Love You.

someone snuck into my library and took a picture

 

OK, maybe I am dreaming again. I just love this.

Yet more dreaming by me.

 

I apologize, however, I love browsing the  Awesome Spaces web site. It offers many moments of relaxation.

With Easter being this Sunday, I always enjoyed this special day as a child and even (maybe more so) as an adult. I ran across this and my mind went directly to hiding eggs here for all my grand-children.

If only….

 

 

Trees tall and strong

Grass green and vibrant

Cherry Blossoms frame my life

and make me so very happy that all of you

are in it.

Enjoy the weekend my family and friends and I hope, pray and trust you remember why this is such a special occurrence we observe. Remember to care for one another. 

R.I.P. Elisabeth Sladen 1948 – 2011

 

Companions to the Doctor are special. She brought a special something to it that refused to be labeled as pretty. You fought a good fight Elisabeth and I thank you for what you did.

 

http://icebergink.blogspot.com/2011/04/doctor-loses-stalwart-companion-rip.html

I thought I might just take a second and wish!

 

Oh, would coffee taste any better here? Would I feel any better, live any longer if this was my home address? Could I read more? Sleep less?

I can smell the salt in the breeze, I can feel the warmth of the rising sun over the waves. I hear seagulls.

My hovel in the desert is no less special. But, I do sometimes wish.

 

A quick update

 

Several have inquired as to how I am doing as of late. I wanted to let you all know that I am well. I tend to endure periods where I feel no one really wants to be bothered by the events which encompass my life. For a sick person (uggggg) for a person with ills (uggggg) for us all, life seems to be most hectic and I am so in need of the 36 hour day!

A lot of my attention has been focused on my mother as of late. She is still in rehab for probably another week. I have found her a place to live and I feel very good about it.

All in all, the mage is alive and somewhat well. Spare time is consumed with service to my church followed by reading followed by some game play. The boys and I are enjoying our time in WOW.

I will attempt to post more soon, I have just taken a short sojourn. I assure all that I am as well as I can be.

An Old Testament World!

 

{Delivered to my support group last night, read by Mindy}

Hello Everyone,

As always, I find myself in happy awe of all of you. I am proud to be counted among your list of friends and I am impassioned by my respect of each and every story you bring here each and every month.

It was a most amazing January; was it not?

Birds falling from the sky, fish drowning and washing up on the beach. Storms on Saturn. Volcanoes lighting up the night sky in diverse places. WOW, we live in an Old Testament World! And, that doesn't even cover the stuff we are exposed to on the evening news. Shootings right here in our home town, worldwide strange weather and seems like the entire Middle East in turmoil, wait, oh sorry; the Middle East is always in turmoil; but you get the point. What's next, dogs and cats living together? We indeed are living in strange times.

Not so headline worthy, but none the less important to me; my mom fell and hurt her head about 3 weeks ago. I take her to the ER for stitching up and while there, I have a blood pressure drop, fall and break my nose. At least I wasn't far from getting help. Like all face wounds, I was bleeding all over; but, I wash up pretty good and I am better now.

Speaking of mom, she continues to digress in her mental and memory aspects. She requires a lot of attention which seemed the place I have her at wanted to make a drastic upping of the charge for watching her. After a lot of talking with them, they have decided to continue at the same rate at least for now. For those who have been involved with Alzheimer's disease know what I am dealing with. It is hard but also provides for blessing and a special bond between my mother and myself that is a privilege that I will never regret.

As for me, the chest CT was good and normal and all those really good things which we are all so happy to hear. There is a spot which demands that an eye keep attention for any growth; but hay, for me, that seems about normal. I got a very good report from all of my doctors and nurse (wink/wink...Jan is always there for me) and I look forward to the next round of scans in the near future.

How I feel is a different issue. I hurt. I have trouble breathing. I am old. Nothing much can be done. I simply cannot afford to pay for another prosthetic at the current time. Oh well, as a non-producer in this society, I have no tears to shed.

I really hope each of you believe me when I say I much encouragement I get from being in your presence. I love and respect each and every one of you. I hope and pray for us all.

Be strong my glorious friends; after what we have been through...Old Testament type news is just a walk in the park; besides, what can they do; send us to the Nam?

Love to you all and my best wishes.

A pedantic discourse on things in front of my nose.

{sent this morning to my support group}

'And in the absence of facts, myth rushes in, the kudzu of history.'

                                                Cleopatra A Life ....Stacy Schiff

Hello everyone,

I once again find myself with the time to ponder. It occurs; and I confess makes desire to bring finger tips to key board. Oh for the older times when that line would have read; bring pen to hand. Oh well, time stops for no man.

Upon reading the above sentence in the new book by Ms Schiff, I was drawn in my memory to, and I would admit to several occurrences in times past listening to the pulpit, of the use of an amusing story of one William Randolph Hearst and his art collection. I cannot say if this story is indeed factual or if like accounts of kidney thieves, is mere urban legion. I offer it merely as reflective of my thought and without further statement as to the accurateness. As retold by several pastors in my life; (and as included by Warren Wiersbe) it goes something like this:

William Randolph Hearst Was a Billionaire Who Made His Fortune as a Newspaper Publisher. He Decided at One Point in His Life to Invest His Fortune in Great       Works of Art. One Day He Read About a Very Valuable Piece of Art in an Art Magazine, and He Decided That He Wanted to Buy It. So, He Called His Agent and            Sent Him All Over the World Trying to Find It. The Agent Searched for It All Over the World, But He Couldn’t Find It.

            William Randolph Hearst Insisted That He Find the Piece of Art; So, He Sent Him Out Again. Finally, the Agent Returned and Said, "Mr. Hearst I Have Found the          Valuable Piece of Art You Have Been Searching For. Mr. Hearst Said, "That is Wonderful Where Was It?" Then, the Agent Said, "It Was in Your Own Warehouse             Sir;      You Bought It Several Years Ago."

It has been stated at past meetings that WE as a group are in need of speakers. My friends, as I have no voice, I ask that you please indulge me and my desire to speak to this issue in the only manner I possess.

I personally see several Doctors on a regular basis. I shall upon my next visit with each, ask if they would be interested in addressing us. I know some of you are in the medical field and have access to reps from a verity of companies which may be interested in coming for a visit. Heck, I would indeed promise you all to behave most civilly in the presence of an insurance reprehensive. Honest, I would behave. I for one am most appreciative of anyone whom would take of their time and knowledge and share with us. It doesn't even really have to be medical or cancer related. There are many, many subjects which I personally would think be of interest to US as a group. I dare suggest almost any subject could somehow be germane to all of us. Give it some thought! One never knows unless one asks.

On this subject, I have a question. Do we as a group give as a token of our appreciation any sort of gift for speaking to us? In times past and in my other lives, I would always present a token of thanks. Sometimes in the form of a pen with a logo on it. I know that one of the most cherished mementos I personally received (in that past life of mine) was a simple index card of thanks signed by all in attendance. I hope we do. If not, I would ask that we do whatever is correct and governing to get something. It never has to be big nor expensive; it just should be honest.

That being said, I wish to make the following observation to everyone. I so enjoy and relish the time we spend in just catching each other up. I hope and desire that we always have and make the time to hear from each other. Like a warm cup of coffee at the breakfast table, we as a family must come to the meeting table with support. Lord knows I so need that. I would be willing to venture that most of the rest of us do as well. There is something permanent about the LOVE of true friends, those enjoined in battle.

I must tell you that I look forward each month to commune with each of you. I give thanks to Providence for our being able to do just that. Come together, tell stories, joke, cry, encourage and stir into a better life; if only in the moment. I find inspiration in each and every one of you. You, all of you; make my life better and I long to hear of your struggles, your victories and your blessed and beautiful .. every day of life. I am almost embarrassed to convey that those moments spent going around the table and listening to each of you is a highlight in my life. I am so proud and amazed by the breath of wonder which sits around me each time we meet.

Please, nothing I say is to be mistaken as a desire NOT to have guest speakers. It is not. I think it is important that we are exposed to and are educated by the current state of medical advance in our shared concern. This is a good, noble and important part of our healing process.

I just, also feel, it is so important that we not forget to enjoy in the victories and yes, setbacks; of each other. I by no means would ever for one moment pretend to know what was in the mind of Mike upon creation of this group and the wonderful job done by all of you who have been here from the beginning. I can only announce what I gain from what you all have so bravely done! You have given me friendship. I cherish it so highly and I desire to see it preserved. My hope and desire is that we never get so busy, or caught up in all that each of us face daily; that we forget what we all ready possess in our own warehouse: each other.

I hope to see each of you at this next meeting and I wish you all health. Be strong.

A prolegomena to Thanksgiving; an epistemological look at my caloric intake.

 

And why I am thankful to be alive.

On this wonderful day and because more than a few have asked, I thought I would share with all how I consume. I off this accounting as merely an answer to the question of how and to let all of you know how blessed I am and how truly thankful I am that this is a blessing from God as the alternative would be starvation.

 

I need a couple of things to begin:

A can of food which I purchase from Walgreens in one of three flavors, a cup and a syringe.

Today, for Thanksgiving breakfast I chose Vanilla. Just because.

Give the can a good shake, nothing like lumpy vanilla. Yucccky!

Into that cup it goes.

Purging my tube, nothing like stomach fluids flying every where. Sorry, but it’s a fact; I have to be careful as it can be very embarrassing if I’m not careful.

Get a syringe full of substance.

And, into the tube, ready to be pushed into my stomach. This is done slowly for several reasons.

Let the line breath and allow the fluid level to find its way into my stomach via gravity….yup; just need to allow for leveling.

After finishing a can, the cup and syringe gets a cleaning flush.

Time for a juicy dessert if you will. For me this occurrence calls for Grape. Oh yummy. Wish I could taste.

Same procedure, have to purge the air and allow for gravity.

Down the hatch; well, down the tube for me. Then, when done, simply rinse and repeat as needed.

I hope this has in no way has thrown a shadow over your Thanksgiving meal. I just thought it was proper to share with you what I do for not only today but every day in order to keep alive. I am so very thankful really. If the ability and procedures of having a feeding tube were not available, I would have no way of eating and would not be alive. It is important to me to be thankful. I trust you have something in your life to be thankful for as well.