the Tilt of the Table

My update to the support group this evening as read by Scott.

Hello everyone,

It is always so good to see everyone. This group and everyone associated with it are in my prayers.

Well, slowly but surly, I continue to make appointments and take test and meet yet more nice individuals in the health care industry. Last week I took something called a mid-evil rack of....oh wait a second; they told me that was a tilt-table test. If you have not had the pleasure of one of these, let me add the following words to your vocabulary..... RUN Away!

I jest. It is nowhere near the worst thing I have had to endure. However, it was not fun. Strapped to a table, hooked up the WA zoo, OK, my chest, taken up to 60 degrees and have a rather charming technician try not to snicker at the funny face I was probably making. Here, let’s give him some Nitro and really have a fun time. Trust me, passing out is never fun. Not to me anyway. While safer than normal as I was strapped into place on a table, everyone seems to forget that my neck mussels are severely lacking in ability to support my head when awake, much less when I am not conscious. That is my fault I suppose as I forgot as well and did not ask for a head restraint. After coming back to reality, took me almost an hour to recoup enough to drive home and hit bed for the remainder of the day. Note, side effect of taking Nitro is a server headache.

I see the doctor this Friday..... do any of you know if it is normal for the condemned soul ahhhh hummm patient, to pass out during a tilt table test?; because I sure did and from the reaction of the  inquisitor, ahhh health care technician; I was out for some time.

I have had now most every known test to medical science, not really but I have a pretty awesome resume. Most of my new doctors are always asking me if my medical history is real. I must admit that I get a kick out of breaking in new younger doctors much as was my experience at the Mayo Clinic, but when I have seasoned Doctors in near states of jaw dropping amazement, I confess my little smirk and my Love for all of you for getting me one step closer to the end of all this.

Maybe I am being dishonest, but I really hope there is yet something wrong with my heart and they can tell me to take this pill and you will be better, than not having an answer and in the back of my mind knowing it is probably that damn cancer yet again.
I am tired. I am hurting most of the time. I can’t do a lot of the things most people take for granted. But I come to this table every month, and I am blessed by the courage and strength and the sheer desire to live that each of you bring. I am so blessed by each of you and I really wish one meeting I could share with all of you that I was OK and not having my fingers crossed behind my back.

Hopefully, it is nothing. But hay, at least I will have yet another medical related bill to pay. I guess the alternative is a burial plot.

I love you all and I pray that God will bless each of you.

Per G.G., Chief of Ordnance

This is the newsletter I sent to my support group this evening and servers as an update on my current condition.

Hello Everyone, Time again; for that monthly e-mail nudging you to attend another regular meeting of the Support Group. That’s OK, trust me when I suggest there are many worst things one could be bugged about. This month, we are talking May already, will be an open meeting and a time to catch up with each other and enjoy one another’s company. This month we meet on the first day of May at 6:00PM. As per our normal course of events, this gathering will be at the Pima County Medical Building which is located at 5199 E. Farness Drive. I hope everyone who attended the show last week had a wonderful time. It is always a raucous event and I for one really enjoy the opportunity to see us all beaming with laughter. The figures are currently being double checked and there should be an accounting of how we did with the ticket sales by Tuesday if not before. I will distribute that information to everyone once I receive the final tally. This year I sat upstairs and had a wonderful time and got that milkshake I promised I would have. I will admit that I was unable to finish it all, but I sure tried too as I enjoyed the show. I hope and trust you all had an enjoyable evening as I personally feel that humor, as well as a positive ‘spiritual’ attitude are important to OUR continued health. As is my usual writing demeanor; here comes that jaunt into the past which I hope in some way puts you in a mood to remember to attend this coming Tuesday. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn was published in 1884 in England and 1885 in the United States. At the very beginning, prior to chapter one, the author of the literary work, Mark Twain pens the following warning: Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR Per G.G., Chief of Ordnance Now, with all due respect to Mr. Clemens; I wish to proctor just those very ideals in order to entertain, conjoin and exhilarate each of you to continue to take another step, to accept a new day and enjoy yet one more moment as a living human being. A few weeks ago, it became that time once again to become prostrate myself before my insurance provider and humbly plea for the preferred medical procedure which MY medical professional of choice would like to have performed. YUP; time again had come for a PET scan. HA, DENIED! So, in a time when doctors are forced into doing more, accepting less and still keeping a semblance of a bed side manor; my doctor appealed and got the blessing for a Chest CT. (Which of course the over burdening co-pay still falls upon me.) Trust me; I do not in any way look for a hand out when it comes to my medical coverage.  I have no desire to sip from the cup of society. Damn it, I have had, have maintained and will continue to ascertain insurance coverage. Once again I will turn to a quote from the character Eugene Kittridge in the first Mission Impossible movie: ‘Dying slowly in America after all, can be a very expensive proposition.’ `OK, enough of that. Well, during this time I decided to take a day trip and come to peace with the fact that all this stuff is for the pondering of those of a much higher pay grade. There is little I can do about any of this so along with a good friend and his wife, off to St. Anthony’s Greek Orthodox Monastery I went. Having already learned to live a somewhat ‘monastic’ lifestyle, I decided I would go and observe the ones that live it correctly for some inspiration and calmness. I am a great believer in prayer and there just isn’t anywhere as good for me as St. Anthony’s to walk in silence and come to grip with my Lord. I hope you enjoy these few pictures and if you have not experienced a trip to the Monastery, please try and fit a trip into your schedule if you can. I find it most refreshing as to my Faith and fortifying for my Soul. There are some truly spiritual places there at which to pause and pray for help in becoming whole. The point of all this, the results of the Chest CT were sent to Dr. Manning and of course Jan took time out of her busy day to e-mail me and very happily let me know that my CT was clear and my chest was in great shape with no signs of cancer. I think the exact message from her was – “YAY!!!!  Your scan is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! “See, even the Lord understands supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Well, that’s it for this newsletter and I hope to see everyone this Tuesday evening and I long to hear everyone being in high spirits and good health.  Be strong everyone because Cancer does suck.

March is here

(Delivered to my support group, read by Scott)

Hello Everyone,

I truly hope everyone is doing wonderfully.

I really did have a great time with my daughter and her family. I smiled for days.

However, back to the real world I came. Mom has had another series of seizures and I have been dealing with that. These things take such a toll on her physical well being and of course confuse the heck out of her and we all are back to step one.

Time for me to start gearing up for poking and prodding. Dr. Haung's office called and he says it's time for him to have a look see. I am sure Dr. Manning and Dr. Stratigoulras are not that far behind. We are coming up on the year out Pet Scan ordeal. This has historically been the scan that has disclosed further cancer activity. I ask for all of the prayers and good thoughts that you can send my way. Just once; I really would like this (one year) scan to be clear.

I have been working really hard on eating. After feasting on formula, chocolate candy, fruit smoothies and frequent stops at Dairy Queen; I know, a lot of you would trade for my problem, I am happy to tell everyone I now weigh 143.5 pounds. That is the most I have weighted since 2006.

I continue to be as active as I can be and I try each day to leave this world a bit better off than I have found it. Some days, it is just by a smile, but that's one more smile that wasn't on the earth yesterday. There are so many things that bother me, both here and around the world. I spend a great deal of time in prayer; I can only hope that it helps just a little.

It is so good to see everyone and I just hope you all the best. Life is very good for me even though it has many worries for me to deal with. I love you all as I continue to mark off each and every day till December 21st. I am not sure that any winter solstice has been so anticipated as this one. I do so intend to sit on my patio in my chair and just smile. Smile because on that day I will have smitten the Mayan demons and I shall be rewarded with yet one more morning to know each and every one of you wonderful people. Pole shift ha. I have stared the black maw of cancer in the face and because of my faith in God, I shall fear no evil.

Be good and kind to the world everyone, and be strong, because cancer sucks.

If only my heart was so {e}intreated.

This is a copy of the newsletter I sent to my support group this morning in advance of my trip to see my daughter and her family. I would ask for prayers of a safe trip and one full of happiness. I will return at the end of next week at which time I am sure I will have some exciting (to me) things to share.

Reminder [rɪˈmaɪndə]
n
1. something that recalls the past
2. a note to remind a person of something not done

I am thinking of usage number 2 by using number 1.

I have for most of my life been a note taker, a journalist of my time and a lover of notebooks. I have years and years of old notebooks with notes, random thoughts, travels and travails. My desk and my book shelves are full of old notebooks. This is not to say I have had an interesting or a particularly exciting life. On the contrary, I just find others and other things so much more interesting that I choose to chronicle them for my own personal memory. On my person, in my car, almost never missing from me is my current ‘Field Notes‘ brand of notebook which is my REMINDER of choice. I give you it’s corporate by line which is so apropos for me:

“I’m not writing it down to remember it later, I’m writing it down to reminder it now.” 

On January 24, 1848, James Marshall discovered gold in the American River, causing the California Gold rush. It is thought that about one hundred and fifty thousand Native Americans lived in California at the time. The settlers, which followed from the East brought with them both disease and violence. In 1850 California passed the so-called “Act for the Government and Protection of the Indians.” Just one year later saw the State endorse the extermination of Native peoples. At five dollars ahead in some places, a total of one million dollars was invested in the systematic murder of men, women and children. By 1870, only an estimated thirty-one thousand California Natives had survived.

On or about March 11, 1854 Chief Seattle of the Suquamish gave a speech he spoke in the Lushootseed language, and someone translated his words into Chinook jargon, and a third person translated that into English. This may not be exact word for word translation, but we can get the beautiful heart which belonged to Chief Seattle.:

 “One thing we know, which the White Man may one day discover – our God is the same God. You may think that you own Him as you wish to own the land; but you cannot. He is the God of humanity, and his compassion is equal for the red man and the white. The earth is precious to him, and to harm the earth is to heap contempt on its Creator. Even the white man cannot be exempt from the common destiny. We may be brothers after all. We shall see.” 

I do not pass this along as a way of bashing the white man as being all evil nor to destroy the integrity of this wonderful country. On the contrary; our warts and short comings are part of who we are and what makes us really great. I offer it as a reminder of what is good and strong and what has gone into us to make us a noble nation and people. You, my friends are a part of that history and so much more. Part pretty and part pure and grand. Part dark and ugly and no doubt, something we would like to forget.

The story above was used as defined as use number 1 above. Now I offer use number 2.

Next Tuesday evening is our monthly meeting. The meeting is at 6:00 PM at the Pima Co. Medical Society located at 5199 E. Farness Drive. I want to remind you all, that coming together and holding each other up in spirit and friendship is a privilege. It is for each of us and it only works if we remember to make the meeting. I trust each of you will and can gather together this month as I want to again let you know that I will be in the far North with my grandchildren. After some consideration, I have decided not to take my laptop as I want to maximize my time with my daughter and her family. I will remember you, I will pray for you and I will look forward to March, so I can once again be in your embrace. After all, we are all brothers (and sisters) under the same sky, traveling on the same earth through the same stars; all by the grace of SAME God.

Enjoy the Super Bowl if that is your thing. Enjoy the commercials if the game is somewhat unimportant. 

Make sure you see or contact Michelle Schulter for tickets or details for the Gaslight event. Remember to circle April 21st on your calendar and the time is 6 PM.

I know you will all have a good time together. Please remember to Love one another. Hold each other up in strength and with kindness. Take a few minutes and offer a prayer for Frank. The trials we all face require our best, our most and our finest efforts; because Cancer sucks.

Why would I need 4 layers of coats?

 

Delivered last night and read to group by Jan.

Hello Everyone,

As always, it is just wonderful to be here with all of you.

I have finished moving and must let you all know that I love my new place. it is much newer, much smaller and a whole lot better for me. The views from here can be extraordinary at times and when the weather is in form; it is downright weather channel picture post card beautiful.

I wish to thank everyone who have shared with me their feelings, thoughts and observations on the web site. I am also thankful for the kind words passed my way regarding the results of my efforts on maintaining it. It is a pleasure and I am more than happy to do it. I run into a bump here and a dip there but I hope it is getting better. Hopefully with the coming of the new year, I will be putting yet more time and effort into it.

On a personal note, I must be honest with everyone. I continue to have pain in the evenings. Sleep is hard to obtain and maintaining it is a joke. I am up MOST, not every, night and it is becoming an irritant. I hurt, but this is in addition too the cancer pain I deal with. I hurt from my toes to my head. It is similar to the extreme joint pain one gets with a bad case of the flu; but it's not the flu. I think it is the price one pays for not being 19 years old. I long for a world where Ponce de Leon had found that darn fountain. Oh well, I 'endeavor to persevere.'

Other than some pain, I am so blessed and better that others in this world.

Now for the good personal news. I will not be with you all next month at the meeting. I will be across the river from Minneapolis/St. Paul in the little town of Hudson Wisconsin. For the first time since 2003 I am going out of town somewhere that isn't a Hospital. Now, not being the brightest color in the crayon box, I am going in February. It just worked out and I will be with my oldest daughter and 4 grand kids there. The youngest, my grand son, I have yet to meet. To say I am excited is an understatement. I will be flying up on February 3rd, spending my birthday with them and come back home on the 8th.

I ask that you all say a prayer for me at this time. The boys are going to check in on mom. It's only for six days, but in my life; that's a long time to be away from her.

Well, that's pretty much the only gossip I have to share with everyone and I just hope you had a really Happy Holidays.

Enjoy each other, make every effort in the world to be kind and stay safe.

Be strong , because cancer sucks.

An the survey says......

Image via WikipediaI need to catch everyone up with regards to my medical status as of this week. Besides moving, I also had my follow up Pet Scan to my latest round of radiation to my lung. If you have known me for a while or followed my blogs you know what a tenuous time the waiting is. This time was no different but at least I had the moving as a distraction.

The call came first thing last Wednesday morning. My long time Oncology nurse and friend was on the other end and was just busting a smile I could see over the airwaves. The news was good. The treatment showed no uptake and no severe scarring issues. Also, there was no uptake in the throat which my ENT doctor was concerned with. This is real good news and I am very excited to be in good condition currently.

I have been here before. The initial follow up Pet Scan has historically been clean only to come back at the year point. I am staying guardedly positive and not thinking about the cancer so much but in the back of my mind I have to wait until the second scan which will be in about 6 months to finally feel secure in what my condition really is. Such is life.

To be honest, I get tired very easy and still have the pain catch up with me in the evening but at least for now; there is no ‘blackness’ inside me eating away at what is left.
I am alive and I give thanks every day. If you are of like persuasion, I ask that you continue to pray for my health or at least have good thoughts. Know that I have all of you in my prayers as well.

Still living out of some boxes but I at least see the light at the end of the tunnel. In the words of Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce, ‘I shall no more move, forever.’ – Well, sort-a something like that as I have no desire to ever move again. I just hope that is the case. It is very pretty up here and it is amazing how just a little altitude into the foothills make that morning cup of coffee on my patio taste like none other. There is a wonderful chill in the morning breeze and I just watch the clouds hug the mountains. I am happier here than in my previous home though it is much, much smaller. Ah, I needed to get rid of most of that junk anyway. I was a notorious hoarder of anything and everything I have every owned. It was hard, but so much has been either lovingly placed in the capable care of the ‘dump captain’ or passed along to several charities here in town. It was hard, but I have let go of so much.

OK, I wanted to let my friend and acquaintances that follow me here that all is well and we just need to wait for another 6 month scan. Some pictures of the new ‘hovel’ coming soon; I promise.

Who the heck is Ethel?

 

As read to my support group last night by Scott

Hello everyone,

As always, the evening of the first Tuesday of each month brings a joy to my heart. Like a young man wrestling with the prospect of falling in love for the first time; the anticipation of yet again being amongst friends is as palatable as the porch scene in the rain between William Hurt and Kathleen Turner in the movie Body Heat. Well, may be not that titillating however I do get very happy and appropriately excited to see each and everyone of you.

I yet again started Radiation treatments this morning for the fourth time. It is rather disappointing at how accustomed I have become to that table and that rather apocalyptic mustard yellow sword of Damocles which revolves around my body. It has become an old companion which brings depressing invisible waves of destruction which in some hysterically ironic way; prolongs my live. Go figure.

As has become my accustomed duty on that bed which I just know came from some Hilton Hotel which Paris somehow decided she could live without (read that as hard as heck); I close my eyes and think of blessings I have enjoyed in my live. My grand kids come to mind first, followed by their parents followed by my mother and father then you guys. In the end, after all the crap, after I take tally and account of what is of any significances in my life; that's about it. Add to that list my belief in God and my church, I quickly realize laying under the revolving science fiction Ray Gun charging forth to slay my disease; those are the only importance I truly have. You guys, each of you and others I know and love as family and friends; you guys, you are my treasure and the glimmering gems which get me out from under that stupid mustard yellow, stupid contraption. It truly is ironic to me how something I really despise gives me the opportunity to say thanks for and show a little appreciation of that list of wonderful people who give me such awesome strength.

No, radiation treatments aren't fun; but I guess they beat chasing after wayward women till my passing from this old world. May be (?)

My mom is still with me. She has no real idea, beyond the faint fact that I am someone she knows. Most of the time now she is asleep, yet I sit next to her on the couch and hold her hand. I take calm warmth from the fact that I know she is mostly at peace now and her sprit is for the most part calm. Like time on that table; "this too shall pass."

Today is my oldest daughters Birthday. I told her on the computer that I loved her this morning and life is good. In the end, it truly is OK.

Thank you to each and every one of you for being in my life, for bringing strength and putting up with babbling on. It's just that I love you all so much and wish you all well.

Be strong my friends, because like the Fields of Asphodel; Cancer Sucks!

PS. for those of you who know:

Billy was a mountain and Ethel was a tree growing off his shoulder.

Do I really need to comb my hair if today I ware a hat?

 

E-mail sent to my support group this afternoon.

Once a man has seen, he can no longer turn his back on it. Never pretend it doesn't exist. No matter who orders him to look the other way.

We do not do this thing because it is permitted. We do it because we are compelled.

-Rorschach from Watchmen/ Alan Moore

Hello everyone,

It has been a while and I have been remiss in my sharing with you for some time as to my place in this world. I shall endeavor to make amends for this is my usually and only realistic way; by the written English language. If you are so inclined to read father, I trust you will be more the enlightened as to my current state. If you choose to end your reading at this point I bid you farewell and my best to you.

If you have known me for any length of time and have been so kind to have read any of my previous communications with the members of this group, you probably know that some sort of historical perspective will be offered as my device of choice to enable us all to consider this moment in life to reflect and learn and question and endure. You shall not be incorrect in that assumption this time as well.

However, firstly; let me express my continued love and respect for each and every one of you. I continue to offer no apologies for my endearments to each of you. All of you offer me strength, encouragements and heartfelt embraces of endearment. Never has such a group existed (in my humble opinion) and I again proclaim my pride of membership in this 'embracement' of support. Thank you.

Some of you may be aware of Maximilian Kolbe (1894-1941), others of you may not be. Either way, please indulge me this small retelling of his story in order to ponder what we have seen and what we are compelled to do. Maximilian Kolbe was a Polish priest who provided shelter for thousands of Jews in his friary. He was arrested and imprisoned by the Gestapo in Auschwitz. When a fellow prisoner escaped, ten other prisoners were to be killed in reprisal. Lined up and helpless to anything but their impending fate, one of the doomed began to cry out, "My wife! My children! I will never see them again!" At this, Maximilian stepped forward and asked to die in that persons place. His request was granted and it is attested that he lead the fellow men in song and prayer as they awaited their deaths. That is where this wonderful mans life ended and is somewhat a known moment in history especially amongst various Christian religious institutions.

Some back-story if you would allow.

Maximilian had also lived in Japan and had founded a monastery on the outskirts of Nagasaki. Four years after his martyrdom, on August 9, 1945, the atomic bomb was dropped on Nagasaki, but that monastery miraculously survived.

We as a support group are in need to ask ourselves some questions. It is apparent that we need to take our place in line. No my dear friends, our nor my quandaries are anywhere near as dire as Maximilian Kolbe faced. And I thank Divine Providence and the United States military for that. That being said, it is now time that we all search our inner self and ask is there something I can step up and be of service to this assemblage of austere fellows. (?) I can not answer the phone nor make the call. I can no longer stand before any assemblage and preach our cause. But, I can use the written word, I can stand, I can be accounted when it comes time to be strong. I every day offer up prayers for not only individuals in this group, I also offer prayers for our collective blessings as a party of like caused. I give you all as much support as I can and I will answer any desire that may be tendered my way. I can write e-mail. I venture to ask, would we be serviced by a newsletter. If I can, I will.

I really do not want to see this group simply pass in the night. It is so very important to me and I still have need of it. I have once again become subject to the black plague. It has once again returned to my lung, presently about the size of my thumb nail.

I may be the oddity but I always seem to sense the comings, goings and attachments of Cancer within my blood stream. I seem to never be caught unawares by PET Scan results. I always seem to know, I always seem to feel its ugly presence within me.

This past week, I have had to yet again ask questions and obtain answers. I have had council of old and trusted friend, I have meet new surgeons and new systems of medical care taking. I have discovered yet new insurance codes to be used and denied and fought over and to be a source of, well, just another part of my life. I am never at a loss for finding a way to challenge the medical community.

Tomorrow, I go to start the process for my 5th attempt at having a radiation attack upon my health's enemy. It's funny when you have surgeons review your medical history and expound amazement. Yes, he obtained his co-payment from the Stephen R. Parker Medical Relief Act. (Pun intended) Many is the doctor that has been replenished by my condition.

So, like Maximilian, we and I need to ask questions. Amongst them, what line are we willing to stand in?

Amongst so many, I miss each of our departed fellow members; I cry, I remember and I look forward to a time when this group will no longer be needed. It just isn't that time yet. I still need to know you are there. Please don't give up.

Be strong everyone, Cancer Sucks.

A quick update

 

Several have inquired as to how I am doing as of late. I wanted to let you all know that I am well. I tend to endure periods where I feel no one really wants to be bothered by the events which encompass my life. For a sick person (uggggg) for a person with ills (uggggg) for us all, life seems to be most hectic and I am so in need of the 36 hour day!

A lot of my attention has been focused on my mother as of late. She is still in rehab for probably another week. I have found her a place to live and I feel very good about it.

All in all, the mage is alive and somewhat well. Spare time is consumed with service to my church followed by reading followed by some game play. The boys and I are enjoying our time in WOW.

I will attempt to post more soon, I have just taken a short sojourn. I assure all that I am as well as I can be.

An Old Testament World!

 

{Delivered to my support group last night, read by Mindy}

Hello Everyone,

As always, I find myself in happy awe of all of you. I am proud to be counted among your list of friends and I am impassioned by my respect of each and every story you bring here each and every month.

It was a most amazing January; was it not?

Birds falling from the sky, fish drowning and washing up on the beach. Storms on Saturn. Volcanoes lighting up the night sky in diverse places. WOW, we live in an Old Testament World! And, that doesn't even cover the stuff we are exposed to on the evening news. Shootings right here in our home town, worldwide strange weather and seems like the entire Middle East in turmoil, wait, oh sorry; the Middle East is always in turmoil; but you get the point. What's next, dogs and cats living together? We indeed are living in strange times.

Not so headline worthy, but none the less important to me; my mom fell and hurt her head about 3 weeks ago. I take her to the ER for stitching up and while there, I have a blood pressure drop, fall and break my nose. At least I wasn't far from getting help. Like all face wounds, I was bleeding all over; but, I wash up pretty good and I am better now.

Speaking of mom, she continues to digress in her mental and memory aspects. She requires a lot of attention which seemed the place I have her at wanted to make a drastic upping of the charge for watching her. After a lot of talking with them, they have decided to continue at the same rate at least for now. For those who have been involved with Alzheimer's disease know what I am dealing with. It is hard but also provides for blessing and a special bond between my mother and myself that is a privilege that I will never regret.

As for me, the chest CT was good and normal and all those really good things which we are all so happy to hear. There is a spot which demands that an eye keep attention for any growth; but hay, for me, that seems about normal. I got a very good report from all of my doctors and nurse (wink/wink...Jan is always there for me) and I look forward to the next round of scans in the near future.

How I feel is a different issue. I hurt. I have trouble breathing. I am old. Nothing much can be done. I simply cannot afford to pay for another prosthetic at the current time. Oh well, as a non-producer in this society, I have no tears to shed.

I really hope each of you believe me when I say I much encouragement I get from being in your presence. I love and respect each and every one of you. I hope and pray for us all.

Be strong my glorious friends; after what we have been through...Old Testament type news is just a walk in the park; besides, what can they do; send us to the Nam?

Love to you all and my best wishes.

An, then it was done.

 

Sent this morning to my support group.

Hello everyone,

I hope and trust that this e-mail finds you all healthy and happy. I know that in these days of uncertainty it is hard to be of much good cheer; however, it is better than the alternative, which is merely to accept the tempest which assails us constantly. Try, as best you can, greet each day with chipper and robust glee. If you have to force it, then so be it; I have too from time to time, but do so because life is all we have. Stuff is just stuff. Your soul is forever. You are the only one which is you, there is no other just like you, amongst all of us. How special you are!

I am so happy to let you all know that this past week, I had my latest round of radiation and I am wanting to thank all of you for your prayers and good wishes. God truly blessed me by giving me an option that was most tolerable. Radiation is never fun, do not get me wrong; however, compared to my throat treatment(s); (knocking on wood here); the lung shots were a walk in the park.

"Thank you Lord."

That said, it is still unnatural to be confined and embedded on a table with a multi-million dollar machine {I'm guessing, may be more like hundreds of thousands of dollars} moving around you and killing a part of your insides. All be it a black lascivious death shroud of cells; they still are residing within my body and that is somewhat just downright not a good thing. But hay, there are so many, many worst things in this life one could endure.

Now comes the waiting. I guess the real proof is in the PET Scan which will be coming later. That is always a yucccccky; I have to say it; an insurance issue. Might be in October or with luck, possibly September. Just have to wait and see. Seems like I spend an abnormal aspect of my life waiting for and dreading a PET Scan. Note to self: eliminate this wasted part of my life and replace it with oh, a thick T-bone steak with all the..... darn it, if only I could eat. Maybe a good book or time with my grand kids. That works!

So far, I must tell you all that cancer in the lung is so much easier to manage and endure than cancer in the throat. I am not saying that in the face of anything bad happening to a boastful fooling individual; I'm just saying. Never ask the Lord to humble you, for he will!

I am good, I am well and I am still looking forward to dying as a much older man than I am now. This shall occur by the grace of God and with the friendship, love and inspirations of each and every one of you. Thank each of you for not only the mail I receive from so many of you, but also, for the mere well wished thoughts of so many more. I love and appreciate each and every one of you and please know that you are all in my prayers offered to my God and belief.

Be strong... we have to be, because Cancer Sucks.

One hundred fifty six and one half pounds and other blessings

Like all of us with cancer, waiting for the Pet Scan results can be a strenuous period of one's life. In reality, you are waiting to hear what God has decided. His verdict on the abilities of those that treat you. In the end, that's what in fact it is.

For the first time in over 2 and ½ years.............................. ; I guess the term is:

I am cancer free.

Can you believe it?

I almost broke down in front of Dr. Manning. Well, yes, there was a tear of joy and I am unashamed. I thanked him to which he replied, “What for? You did all the work.”

Yes, I did it. I am cancer free. However, let me not ever forget all those that held my hand along the way. My family, my friends,doctors, nurses, my employer and most of all; God. I thank you so very much. Trust me, I hold the skilled hand of my surgeons in high regards. However, no higher that you for the supportive thought or word of encouragement. I am in awe of the knowledge and wisdom that my doctors impart; but have been overwhelmed by just knowing you share in my experience. Lost sleep and tears of my family are just as important as a sterilize operating room. I could go on but I think you get my point. For someone like me, you, my dear friends, have a victory! I am merely the lucky one at the end of that wonderful news. I am cancer free.

Thank you Jan, for that hug. It is most awesome to share a hug of joy.

One of my friends on the Internet just asked what I will do now to celebrate. I answered him: I think I shall heal!

I have paid a price. But, I have now been reassured by my God that he is there. Watching, holding, embracing and yes, healing. I am cancer free! And; I am so very very happy about that.

Can you believe it? I weight 156 and a half pounds. Heck, that's less than what I weighted in high school. Ha!

Be strong my friends, cancer sucks.

finally an update

Hello to all of the wonderful and beautiful people at the support group,

I know it has been awhile since last I was able to write all of you. I have been at my sons house and he has no internet. Back home now, so herein lies the reason you are currently reading this e-mail.

Where to begin:

The operation ( s ) back in October were in a word- interesting. Almost nothing Dr. Hinni was expecting came to be. Typical of me I believe. The cancer was pretty extensive and had in fact gone into my larynx. Prompting a real 'HOUSE' moment right out of TV. In mid operation I was awaken to sign a consent to allow for the taking of my voice box in total. This was the one consideration we had not signed off on. That was fun.

The long and short is it took two days of operations for him to decide he had 'gotten it all'. Now, I have heard this before!!!!!!! Ok, I will have a good attitude. Sorry about that. I also had a really neat tube in my nose. That was amazingly not fun. I also have a hole in my throat that has truly been fun to deal with. Mayo (read as insurance) let me stay at Mayo for one week. Came home and 48 hours later I was in the hospital for a few weeks. 3 times total during Oct. Same old feeding issues. Throwing up and not being able to get food to stay down. Couple weeks later and a side trip to Valley Health Care, I made it to my sons.

I just get able to feed and have some strength and it's off to see Dr. Hinni for a follow up.

Ok, he thinks all the cancer is gone. I do finally pass a swallow test and can now eat liquids. (yum) I can learn to talk with therapy etc. etc., hay, all is good, you just have to keep fighting. Oh, btw, you have an appointment to see Dr. Manning...you win another round of radiation.

F/U with Dr. Strat shoved in, all is good and here is your speech therapy person. I really like her and she seems very competent. I like her. Sidebar: I can say a few things but hard to understand. It just takes practice and time and effort and and and. Cancer sucks people.

Got to Dr. Manning. Hi Steve, you have an 80% chance of recurrence. Dr. Hinni, Dr. Strat and I are all concerned. You not only need the radiation but also you will be getting chemotherapy as well. Damn, I am scared to which Dr. Manning gave me a hug and said he was also. I love that man.

Whet in today, got fitted for that damn mask. It was hard. When I got out, there was Jan, to give me a hug. Thank you Jan.

Please prey for me as this is going to be hard; again. This time with Chemo so I know I will be sick (er); maybe than last time. I am not afraid to tell you that I am scared.

Well, that’s the nickel tour of the last two months. The ugly has been deleted as I know each and everyone of you have stories worst than mine. Just know that I am trying to keep the faith and make you all proud. It is hard but I keep digging and maybe someday, I will be able to move on and just be able to feel good.

I love you all, be strong and I will try to keep you all updated. I know that as I get sick I tend to not e-mail all of you. I will do the best I can and I will also try and send word through Jan if she does not mind.

I miss you all and have each of you in my heart.