I missed a turn.

Sent this afternoon to my support group:

Hello Everyone,

First off I want to tell you what an old Southern Baptist minister once told me a long time ago. His name was C. H. Peaden and with all the faith in God he could muster and with a life of experience that gave him certainty like I had never known; his gravelly voice tendered by untold years of preaching , told me:

"Son, if you always turn right; you'll always be right."

I hope everyone is fine and I realize it has been some time since I have written to everyone. If was so good to see some of you at the last meeting. I cannot begin to express the pleasure and encouragement each and every one of you give to me. It was good to once again to be amongst smiles and hugs and people who care.

Now comes the confession.

I was sitting at the table in some pain. I have been having the pain for some time now. As I have shared with some of you in the past, I somehow am able to feel my cancer. I am not totally sure how odd or rare this is, but for me it is an unsettling occurrence as I go through the delightful battery of scans and test that my doctors need to have performed. I sometimes want to yell ( guess it's a good thing I can't) however, I do know and understand the need.

A few weeks ago I had an MRI of my neck. This turned out to be very clean and it appeared that my cancer was gone. I was very happy with this news and proceeded to explore other causes for the pain I was having with my doctor. Then came a PET scan. I knew. Somehow I always know. The call from Dr. Manning came.

Seems there was a spot; something new, in my upper left lung. Not a good thing but let's don't get to excited. There could be several reasons. After talking with Dr. Manning, we decided to wait this out, have another scan in about 4 months and see what if anything happens. No alarm. (However, I was concerned with how in heck I was going to get another scan authorized by my Wonderful, KIND, Caring ((can I be any more sarcastic here)) insurance company.) Sorry, I will refrain from further derogate behavior or statements on my part.

Followed by the call from Dr. Strat. Congratulations, your now are in the care of yet another doctor. You see him.....(insert the next day or so). Yes, I now have a Pulmonologist. Yes Jan, he is extremely nice. I like him. Thank you for the hug and encouragement.

Now, I assume you can figure out what he wanted. (?) Yes, indeed, like any expiring super star of the AMA, he wanted...say it with me here.....MORE TEST!

It was during this period of time that I was sitting with you at the monthly meeting and I decided to tell just 3 or 4 people. Not because I am brazen or stoic. To be honest; I am rather scared. That being said, I have learned to wait and make sure. No need telling everyone just to find out it was an old Valley Fever spot!

Fast forward to past the additional scans directly on my lungs and the blood test to dismiss anything un-thought of and to exclude those we had.

Here is where I am:

While looking at the CAT scan of my lungs, there appeared to be something that looked like a stick of chalk turned on its side and rubbed across cement. That Mr. Parker is a result of the Radiation you have had. 'Don't worry about that now!'

See these spots here, here, here, etc... that's called .... Emphysema. 'Don't worry about that now!'

About now I am wondering.... OK, what's the rub here?

"Mr. Parker, see, here is the original spot the PET scan showed". ...."Yes."

"Now, let me scroll down here and show you the second spot we have now found."

"This is another spot?"

"Yes! Smaller, but there."

"This is cancer correct?"

"Well, the biopsy will tell us for sure but.. chances are yes, more cancer."

I have always tried to be positive my friends, but I am very tired. I need your prayers and well wishes, please. I will have the biopsy on the 28th of this month. If you are inclined, it is at 11:00 A.M. Unit 600 at TMC.

A' la Pulp Fiction, they will stick a needle between my ribs and into my lung to obtain a bit of the blackness. OK, maybe not like Pulp Fiction but indulge me. There are some risk with this procedure and I am not excited by such invasiveness.

Now comes the really, really odd part. For reasons I do not wish to burden my friends with at this time, please pray that if it is in fact cancer, please pray that it is new and not a metastasis of my 4 year battle. The common sense of the second spot gives me cause for concern, but I will be positive yet again and believe this is something I can and choose to fight against. Please Pray! For now, I really want to continue digging. (See your nearest NASCAR fan for what that means.)

To Brother Peaden, I can only say I messed up somewhere and turned left. To God, I can only ask for forgiveness of my transgressions. I seem to have really screwed up somewhere. I am sorry; everyone!

Be strong my friends and loved ones, because Cancer Sucks!

file under: Rumor until proven guilty.

This is from a story at Bleeding Cool dot com:

~

The panel ended with a teaser trailer for the team’s next project, produced along with documentary film maker Kevin Thurman. The clip showed a dark image of a bearded man smoking and drinking Red Bull, speaking about life and purpose and writing, ending with the words:

Warren Ellis

Captured Ghosts

2011

~

 

One; I do hope it’s true and Two; I hope to be alive to see it!

Busy Morning ~ Eyjafjallajoekull

I stumbled upon a tree.

Upon building the park, all the trees were tagged for either removal or to be kept in place. There were different colored ribbons which were tied around the trunk of almost all the existing trees. Well, wouldn’t you know it, the person who came to remove or leave said trees was colorblind. This isn’t that story but does provide some insight into the parks very early days.

Another tree related story and quote of Walt’s is just prior to the opening to the park the press was invited to take a first hand look at the parks progress. Everyone by now knows of the forced perspective used in the park with regards to all the buildings and structures. A reporter noticed there was a lot of live vegetation (read as trees) and upon questioning Walt about their use and on how to deal with their growth, Walt responded:

“Trees have no scale.”

Why do I share these stories with you? Well, I continually get amazed but the showman’s ability to just astutely observe and then bring a mere glance of something as mundane and everyday as a tree to become a beloved symbol of excitement and adventure. I had never read nor knew of this ‘ LITTLE ‘ tidbit of park history. Check this out:

Just another reason I love Japanese TV

How can you not love this?

enjoy and remember,it’s ok to laugh.

A shout out to a fellow blogger

I would call your attention to one of the many Disney blogs which I follow:

This morning Vintage Disneyland Tickets is running an excellent post entitled 'Where it all started'.

This is a look at the Merry-Go-Round at Griffith Park... and I will let that site tell you the story if you are unaware of it. Enjoy!

A day outdoors at the gymkhana. ! (#) Did I say outdoors?

Ok, to be honest I had heard the word years ago. Most of us here in the great American Southwest have. For you who are unsure the definition of an Gymkhana is as follows:

a field day held for equestrians, consisting of exhibitions of horsemanship and much pageantry.

Now, the part that is rather amazing (for most anyone who knows me) by definition, horses are animals and therefore constitute a journey into the dreaded OUTDOORS. Oh, parish the thought. Well, my dear friend Debbi asked if I would like to go see her daughter ride said animal. “It would be fun and your mom would love it.” Sure, attack me by bringing up my mother. Grrrrrr I thought, but decided to embark upon the dusty streets of the old pueblo and traverse to the spot where said exhibitions of horsemanship and much pageantry should take place. Now remember, outside is bad to me. Dirt, wind, sunshine, bugs and yes, horse crap! It smells there, oh well, there we were.

This is my friends daughter sitting upon an animal, along with other like minded people.

If I could talk, I would say “hello, my name is Rio, I like outside.”

What is fun about being out here you ask, well, talking with friends of course; and….

doing what every teenager does:

(yes, she in listening to music)

We go around the barrel Rio!

Its dusty and windy out here.

However, I would be fibbing if I didn’t tell you that both mom and I had a wonderful time and enjoyed seeing friends and cheering them on. It was a blast, and I hope to be able to go to another. Even mom got to get up close and personal.

Mom says ‘hello/goodbye’ to everyone and said that I was rather crazy. Outdoors is fun and I enjoyed the ~ exhibitions of horsemanship and much pageantry.

Oh yes, there be animals there:

Warren Ellis: On space travel

This is from the current issue of Wired Magazine UK edition. Yes, I agree.

Read It Here

From the master:

“The single simplest reason why human space flight is necessary is this, stated as plainly as possible: keeping all your breeding pairs in one place is a retarded way to run a species.”

To my Speech Therapist

Remember that this blog is really nothing more than one long ‘Hello, this is who and what I am’ open conversation with my grand children. I post this as all things for them, so they know a little about me. There is no political inference which should be made by any casual reading of this blog. Any attempt at trying to consider my political thoughts and feelings would probably be a mistake.  It is simply a part of me and I intend to give my grand children as honest look into their grand father as I can. As with postings of various correspondences I have, they are mealy offered to give insight and nothing more. Yes, this has been redacted and edited.

Delivered to my speech therapist this morning:

March 30, 2010

Ms (Blank)

Speech Center of Southern Arizona

Dear (Blank),

I am most implored to have to purpose the following to you. Beings as I have received the latest decision from your payments department as influenced by the unending rhythm of denial by any and all insurance providers I have; I have to inform you of my decision with regards of your services going forward.

Please note that I in no way wish to diminish the services you have provided me and the information you have imparted. You have been a resource for assurance in a time of true ignorance and have offered support during the formational period of my life as a laryngectomee patient. There is no price that will every be acceptable to my wish and desire to be passed to you in offer of homage. This is in addressing to your professional services. As a person and friend; I can only say that I am privileged and blessed by your existence as a fellow human being. You are a wonderful person and there is no amount of money I could ever offer in my admiration.

That not with standing and being said; it is a clear and present truth that Insurance is in no way interested in making payment for your services. It is apparent that they wish and intend to have my life end in impoverishment and a willingness to place one into indentured servitude for his inability to promptly and happily remit the amazingly high cost of staying alive. I sometimes have a hard time reminding myself that I live in America in the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Ten Anno Domini.

You may not be aware that a spot has been discovered in my upper left lung during my last Pet Scan. I am not sure what my future holds other that the impending realization that I will have to spend yet more money in an attempt to live. There are decisions that I am being force to make upcoming and I am damned if I intend one of them to die as a pauper. I intend to accomplish first class passage upon an airship destined to arrive in Paris France as soon as possible. There, I intend to live the remainder of my miserable existence in the arms and embrace of the best houses of ill repute and in the care of a beautiful and young courtesan whose eyes of desire are not diminished by my age, my inability to talk, the constant seepage of mucus from my stoma nor the tube hanging so vulgarly from my stomach.

Damn, that sounds wonderful, well, not believing that(?), may be I would like to visit Disneyland with my grand children. May be that is a much more favored end story to my existence on this earth. Either way, I shall need means and the ability to pay.

(Blank), please cancel my appearance with you which is currently booked for May 10th at 9:45AM. I am sorry but, with your willingness, I shall only call and see you at which time I feel the need to replace my prosthetic device. If this is not acceptable, please inform me and I shall make alternate plans for service to my stoma.

I just can not continue to keep spending money I do not have. I am on full disability and I do not have an inexhaustible reserve of money in my savings. If, my days are numbered I shall spend it on my children and grand children with glee. If I have time left in this world I need money to at least survive and exist with some manner of decorum.

I trust you understand.

I have this very day, made payment of yet $40 dollars in an attempt to pay in full the amount due for services incurred. Please inform them that putting me into collections will do no good. I am already in collections up to my neck for cost from hospitals and procedures which took place a while ago. Please accept a place in line as I have every intension to pay my bills in full. The staggering amounts I owe due to cancer are daunting to say the least.

I wish you and your practice the best. I hope and pray for you as a fellow person and hopefully as a friend. I do so appreciate you. I will hopefully see you when I have to have my unit changed out. I promise to call you when I think there is leaking or if I feel something is wrong.

Most humbly and in sincerity,

 

Some items Post Script in nature:

-Thank you for the efforts and time spent for attempting to get the physical therapy. I had to cancel that for the reasons disclosed herein. Please accept my apology for any embracement this may have caused you or Dr. (blank). No need adding to my issues.

-I have received the book you so kindly mailed to me. Thank you. I have not finished it as of the current time but I can tell you I am enjoying it and find it somewhat akin to my mothers situation. I will be sure to treasure this gift always. Bless you for the thought.

HOME getting this.

 

For those of you who enjoy adding to the HOME experience on your PS3, this looks to be a pretty exciting addition coming from Sony/UbiSoft sometime soon. I admit that I frequently pay for cyber space in HOME. I enjoy the world and running away to MY creations of the mind. I know, I am helplessly lost to all accountability of a sane world. Oh well, I enjoy it. So there. I spend hours in these wonderful corners of the mind trying to heal. It is what I do.