E-mail sent to my support group this afternoon.
Once a man has seen, he can no longer turn his back on it. Never pretend it doesn't exist. No matter who orders him to look the other way.
We do not do this thing because it is permitted. We do it because we are compelled.
-Rorschach from Watchmen/ Alan Moore
It has been a while and I have been remiss in my sharing with you for some time as to my place in this world. I shall endeavor to make amends for this is my usually and only realistic way; by the written English language. If you are so inclined to read father, I trust you will be more the enlightened as to my current state. If you choose to end your reading at this point I bid you farewell and my best to you.
If you have known me for any length of time and have been so kind to have read any of my previous communications with the members of this group, you probably know that some sort of historical perspective will be offered as my device of choice to enable us all to consider this moment in life to reflect and learn and question and endure. You shall not be incorrect in that assumption this time as well.
However, firstly; let me express my continued love and respect for each and every one of you. I continue to offer no apologies for my endearments to each of you. All of you offer me strength, encouragements and heartfelt embraces of endearment. Never has such a group existed (in my humble opinion) and I again proclaim my pride of membership in this 'embracement' of support. Thank you.
Some of you may be aware of Maximilian Kolbe (1894-1941), others of you may not be. Either way, please indulge me this small retelling of his story in order to ponder what we have seen and what we are compelled to do. Maximilian Kolbe was a Polish priest who provided shelter for thousands of Jews in his friary. He was arrested and imprisoned by the Gestapo in Auschwitz. When a fellow prisoner escaped, ten other prisoners were to be killed in reprisal. Lined up and helpless to anything but their impending fate, one of the doomed began to cry out, "My wife! My children! I will never see them again!" At this, Maximilian stepped forward and asked to die in that persons place. His request was granted and it is attested that he lead the fellow men in song and prayer as they awaited their deaths. That is where this wonderful mans life ended and is somewhat a known moment in history especially amongst various Christian religious institutions.
Some back-story if you would allow.
Maximilian had also lived in Japan and had founded a monastery on the outskirts of Nagasaki. Four years after his martyrdom, on August 9, 1945, the atomic bomb was dropped on Nagasaki, but that monastery miraculously survived.
We as a support group are in need to ask ourselves some questions. It is apparent that we need to take our place in line. No my dear friends, our nor my quandaries are anywhere near as dire as Maximilian Kolbe faced. And I thank Divine Providence and the United States military for that. That being said, it is now time that we all search our inner self and ask is there something I can step up and be of service to this assemblage of austere fellows. (?) I can not answer the phone nor make the call. I can no longer stand before any assemblage and preach our cause. But, I can use the written word, I can stand, I can be accounted when it comes time to be strong. I every day offer up prayers for not only individuals in this group, I also offer prayers for our collective blessings as a party of like caused. I give you all as much support as I can and I will answer any desire that may be tendered my way. I can write e-mail. I venture to ask, would we be serviced by a newsletter. If I can, I will.
I really do not want to see this group simply pass in the night. It is so very important to me and I still have need of it. I have once again become subject to the black plague. It has once again returned to my lung, presently about the size of my thumb nail.
I may be the oddity but I always seem to sense the comings, goings and attachments of Cancer within my blood stream. I seem to never be caught unawares by PET Scan results. I always seem to know, I always seem to feel its ugly presence within me.
This past week, I have had to yet again ask questions and obtain answers. I have had council of old and trusted friend, I have meet new surgeons and new systems of medical care taking. I have discovered yet new insurance codes to be used and denied and fought over and to be a source of, well, just another part of my life. I am never at a loss for finding a way to challenge the medical community.
Tomorrow, I go to start the process for my 5th attempt at having a radiation attack upon my health's enemy. It's funny when you have surgeons review your medical history and expound amazement. Yes, he obtained his co-payment from the Stephen R. Parker Medical Relief Act. (Pun intended) Many is the doctor that has been replenished by my condition.
So, like Maximilian, we and I need to ask questions. Amongst them, what line are we willing to stand in?
Amongst so many, I miss each of our departed fellow members; I cry, I remember and I look forward to a time when this group will no longer be needed. It just isn't that time yet. I still need to know you are there. Please don't give up.
Be strong everyone, Cancer Sucks.