Saturday, September 6, 2008

By definition, wasted time is a ....

{this is an e-mail that i sent to my support group this morning}

I sometimes wonder, like every man and woman from the beginning of time, what is going on here?
I really thought I had a handle on life. Had a grip or maybe had a clue. I have always been both confident and purposeful. Sometimes, it was to my own detriment.
Let me be honest with you all; I have never had a handle on anything other than my own lacking. About the only thing I have truly ever gripped was my own anger. I have been close to a clue several times, but somehow managed to do nothing but take my eyes off what truth was and let it slip through my fingers. Yes, I suppose I have accomplished some things. I just have to question there value. Why the self deprivation? It's what I do!
I can't even endure my cancer correctly.
As I have felt inside. The latest and greatest revels, that the blackness has wrapped itself around and maybe into my Carotid Arteries. It is still there and continues to attack. Despite the medical opinion of others, the pictures tell the truth. Upon a question and answer period with my doctor, this is a concern for several reasons. He feels that the risk of stroke almost prevents the option for an operation. This risk was discussed with an eye towards the Stanford University option. The end result here is not a romantic novel climax by the ugliest of imaginations. I will spare you all the visual.
I go to yet a new doctor. He isn't really; I have seen him before. This time, I see him to set up chemotherapy; this Tuesday afternoon. I will pass along the nuts and bolts of this next week after I know what the plan is and the cocktail of choice will be.
I am OK really. I still see the truth of how fortunate I truly am. I have had and continue to have a blessed life. I have 4 really neat and wonderful children. I have 5 amazing grand children. I have, in my mother, the strongest woman I have had the privilege of ever knowing. (Good news with mom, her doctor found a vitamin B deficiency; using a new test. She will be getting shots and it may ((MAY)) help with her memory issues.) For those who may not know, she lives with me and I am her care taker. I have some close personal friends.. a few. AND, I have all of you wonderful people. You are more than friend and more than family. You are; and I love each of you for being!
What is this all about? When I woke up this morning I realized that I still do not know the answers. But, I do know that it is in our time, well spent. It is doing things which bring fulfilling enjoyment. It is a service to a cause higher than our own silly little problems. It is in the doing. The world and those of us in it are in need. See what you can do. Reach out in your own small part of it and do. I say this not to preach but to simply pass on what very small little bit of truth I have learned. Anything, anything one can do to help someone else makes the entire world quake with joy. It causes an eruption of goodness that will, someday, be salvation for us all. There is a dark, mean, ugly, harmful cancer on humanity. Be there for each other. Be a light. A kind word can be more powerful than an army of ill will. Do it now.
You see, one never knows what tomorrow brings. Something wicked this way comes.
By definition, wasted time is a .... a sin.
Be strong.

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