Friday, June 20, 2008

....she's just not ready to let us go....

There are about a million tales I would rather relate with you all, than this. However, as all of you have become my friends and loved ones, I must yet again share with you; the news.

It’s funny really, my body has told me every step of this journey what to expect really. I can not really call it pain, although that is a part. There is just a feeling of a tremendous battle taking place within my body. Not a battle of good and evil nor right and wrong. It is just simply the rumbling, the strain, the clanking and the haze of some unseen darkness that shrouds my insides and is attempting to lay waste to everything within me. I feel its fingers as they simply just invade the corners and crevices that never should be felt. I can feel its inexhaustible strength and the talons grip and grapple and twist and tug at me. Damn it.

The cancer is back. This time, it is in two locations. Once again it is in my right lymph node and there is now a spot on the left side on my throat/tongue as well. Strange words to my ear in the ‘final report’; that cracks me up…. ’final report.’ Like some nasty horrible act of inhumanity from the past. Words like malignant mass lateral; suspected lesion; left jugulodigastric chain and my favorite…. Right hypopharyngeal wall. Here is another really fun thing to talk about with your doctor: and I quote…”there is a markedly increased uptake in the lesion suspected lateral….” Damn it; like some really nightmarish porno movie –vs. - a really bad 50’s sci-fi novel taking place within my very own throat.

For those of you old and or maybe young enough to remember Frank Zappa: “why does it hurt when I eat?”

I sit here this morning and I am once again waiting for the fine folks at the Mayo Clinic to come to terms with the evil dark empire of my insurance. I await going up next week and having the pleasure of selecting a date for my surgery; yet again.

Please keep me and each outer in your thoughts, your prayers and in your smiles. I have family, but sometimes I need each of you to lean on. Thank you, each one of you for being a supportive hand in battle. I hug you all and ask that you share my tears. I will continue to fight, but I would be lying to you if I said I enjoyed it.

George Clooney playing Capt. Billy Tyne in the Perfect Storm: “she’s just not ready to let us go.”

Be strong everyone.

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